


heartbeat, footsteps

by saranghaetae



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Blood and Violence, Dubious Consent, Gangs, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Prostitution, Slow Burn, Smut, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2018-12-08 19:08:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11652855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saranghaetae/pseuds/saranghaetae
Summary: They suppose it's the tantalizing promise of comfort that always brings them stumbling back to eachother.





	1. i will be my own hell

**Author's Note:**

> uuhh i'm putting this in here because i know someone's probably going to be like "????" when they notice this but  
>  yes i'm aware that my full name is tied to those spotify playlists, and i can't do anything about it because my premium acc is linked to my facebook. & i wasn't about to go redo those playlists on a different account just to hide my real name. so as long as nobody goes digging around for my personal info i don't really care. thanks.
> 
> -
> 
> hey everyone. this is the work i teased a while back in wonWOW, if you remember me putting something about this in the notes. i’ve been working on it for way too long, because this concept is really special to me. ive spent hours fleshing out the characters to make sure the story is just right, so please let me know if you have any questions/comments/concerns about any of them.
> 
> one of the most important pieces of this work is the playlists. i’ve come up with a playlist for each character, and they tie into the mood/aesthetic of the story as well as their past and present. please give them a listen if you want to further understand this work. 
> 
> a very very special thank you to kylie, who helped me a lot with the music, and always keeps me sane when i’m having trouble writing. ty for being there for 3 years now <3
> 
> i made all of the playlists on spotify, so that you can listen to them if you’re reading on mobile with the spotify app, as well as on the website if you’re reading on a computer. if you don’t have the app, i 100% recommend getting it.
> 
> also sorry the summary is literal trash LOL i suck at writing summaries so i'll fix it later. also the title of this work isn't concrete so it might change at somepoint uh
> 
> * any texts or dialogue in italics indicates that they're speaking korean. *
> 
> _[hansol's playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/22c5iujzatdrsrcv2f2oufkya/playlist/2dQpfQUOkSSEPAIZyW2Wdt) _

Joshua lets out a groan as he tumbles off his bed, cheek connecting with the patterned rug decorating the hardwood floor. He thinks about the amount of dust that’s probably collected in the threads of it-- he hasn’t vacuumed in at least three months, and when you let horny girls traipse around your room on a day to day basis, the floor probably isn’t very clean to begin with. That has him shaking the last bits of exhaustion off quickly, pushing himself off the scratchy material with his hands. A trail of tangled brunette locks catches his eye, and he comes to a sudden realization that fuck, he never told this dumbass to go home last night . From what he can remember, the sex was good. She begged for him to fuck her like every other girl does, let out a few curse words, and Joshua was able to unwind her with nothing more than the flick of his tongue. Apparently she’s not too shabby at blowjobs either.  
  
Despite that, this girl definitely should _not_ be rolling around under his duvet at six in the morning on the first day of school. His mom’s probably home by now, though he doubts that she checked his room. She’s been working two jobs for as long as he can remember, and that doesn’t leave time for her to go snooping around in his sex life. Joshua’s grateful for that. After a moment he blinks, hand finding it’s way into his hair. He ruffles it for a few seconds before leaning a knee onto the mattress, shaking the girl awake. She doesn’t look too happy, gaze hazy and collarbones scattered with hickeys.  
  
“Joshua Hong? Is that you? Did we fuck?” Joshua rolls his eyes in response to that, pointing out her bruised upper chest. He doesn’t even remember her name, and it’s probably not even important for him to know anyways. It should be obvious to her what they did, though. Even if she was drunk or high out of her mind. Toeing the nearest pair of skinny jeans closer to himself, he slips his phone into the back pocket of the pants and gestures towards the door.  
  
A sigh brushes past his lips, suddenly exasperated. He just wants to clean the cum off his sheets. “Yeah, probably. Now please leave.”  
  
She cocks an eyebrow at that, dark hairs standing out against her milky warm skin. Thank God she still has her shirt on, or Joshua would be blessed with the image of her naked upper half and he’d likely already be sporting a hard-on. At the same time, though, he might not be opposed to the idea of a round two, especially if the girl is hot. Sex is always nice, even if he’s slightly pissy and tired.  
  
“Do you even know my name?” There it is. _Ah shit_ , he’s been caught.  
  
“Nope. The door’s over there.” Joshua gestures once again towards the half-closed entryway to his right. “You can call me again if you want a good fuck, though.”  
  
An eye roll. “My name’s Esme. And fuck you.” The girl finally pulls on her jean shorts, legs swinging over the side of the bed to shimmy into her flip-flops.  
  
“Actually, we already fucked. Out,” he retorts, growing impatient. _Why’d he even bother to get this girl in bed if she’s a bitch? Round two my ass._  
  
She scoffs in response, collecting the meager bag of items she brought with her and stomping out of the room. Joshua whips his head around to make sure she pushes herself out of the front door, sounding a breath of relief once he hears the screen door swing closed. He finally ends up pulling his skinny jeans on, in turn peeling a beige t-shirt off the floor and tossing it over his shoulder. The walk to his bathroom is short, and before long he’s inspecting his toned stomach and chest for any evidence of what happened last night.  
  
Joshua’s overjoyed when he finds not a single mark, letting a quick smile cross his features before he pulls the beige tee over his head. As the hem falls against his waist he ruffles his hair again, popping in his cross helix earrings before shaking his head and brushing his teeth hastily. After a few moments he groans and shuffles back to his room, feet soundless against the polished tile. He’ll have to thank his mom for cleaning the floors later.  
  
He gathers his soiled sheets in his hands, curling his knuckles around the stained white material before dumping it in his closet for the time being. Feeling an abrupt buzzing against his thigh, he reaches for his backpack and fumbles around to get his phone out of his pocket.  
  
jeonwon  > _dude, where the fuck are you_  
  
jeonwon  > _you were supposed to come to cheol’s half an hour ago_  
  
The brunette squints as he tries to translate Korean into English, pinching the bridge of his nose in realization. His eyes widen after that, shouting a goodbye to his mother that may or may not even be home. Toeing on a pair of Converse, he’s out the door in seconds.  
  
  
  
-  
  
  
  
It’s always been tradition to come to Seungcheol’s place on the first day of school. They claim it’s for “planning the annual back to school party,” but in reality, all they do is get high out of their minds. The smell of pot already permeates the air as Joshua peeks into Seungcheol’s bedroom, smiling as he spots the rest of the gang. Vernon’s already tucked into Junhui’s side, mumbling about conspiracies as he rolls another joint between his pointer and middle fingers. Seungcheol, of course, is giggling at the younger’s rambling, probably posting videos of him in the groupchat for later use.  
  
Wonwoo looks up at Joshua then, cocking an eyebrow as the older tiptoes past the threshold of Seungcheol’s barely-open door. The former gestures in the direction of the bed, an unused bong and multiple unrolled joints catching Josh’s eye as he offers a sheepish smile to Wonwoo. He opts for picking one of the joints up, rolling it between his fingers in a similar fashion to Vernon’s earlier movements. The other three- Seungcheol, Junhui, and Vernon, have finally picked up on his presence, patting him on the back affectionately and still letting giggles fall past their lips.  
  
After a few moments, Junhui reaches up, yanking the weed out of his hand and bringing the blunt up to his lips to take a drag.  
  
“So, who’d you lay last night?” The question is candid, pointed; and Joshua can’t say that he didn’t expect one of them to ask him that. He’s been doing this for months now- making promises he can’t keep to all kinds of girls. He always ends up throwing them away anyways. The guys understand his fear of commitment though, so it’s simply become a topic of conversation. Joshua supposes he’s grateful for their cognizance.  
  
He snatches the joint back from Junhui, waving it around in the air for a second as he mulls over his response. “Said her name was Esme. She’s kind of bitchy, but I’m not gonna complain about the sex. I don’t really know her though.”  
  
Vernon’s eyes bug out of his head as he whips his head up, a gasp falling past his lips before he foolishly coughs due to the smoke. “Esme Escaurido? You kidding dude?”  
  
Joshua still doesn’t understand what’s so important about this girl.  
  
The younger boy continues before he can ask, though. “I’ve been tryin’ to get in her pants since middle school,” Another drag of his joint. “and it only took you one night.” Shua shrugs in response, offering up the weed to Wonwoo. The onyx-haired takes it gently from his fingers, setting his book down to smoke it. Joshua can already feel the fuzziness at the edges of his consciousness, leaning his neck back against Seungcheol’s headboard to think for a moment. “What’s so cool about her anyways? And I thought you were hanging around that Seungkwan kid? He’s got a nice ass, yeah?”  
  
Seungcheol cuts in, laughing heartily as he slaps his palm against the bedspread. His thick eyebrows furrow. “Joshua Hong just commented on a boys ass. I think my gay is rubbing off on you kids.”  
  
“Hilarious,” Wonwoo mutters, eyes downcast as the smoke in Seungcheol’s room thickens further. Joshua doesn’t want to know what his sudden change in demeanor means. “You know Vernon’s straight right? He's probably not friends with Seungkwan because of his ass.”  
  
The rest of them nod.  
  
"Straighter than a board," Vernon offers, rubbing his chin in faked thoughtfulness. Joshua notices Junhui take a final drag of his own joint, noting with annoyance that the younger stole his for no reason. That's how Junhui works, though- taking things for himself and using them without permission. Joshua should probably hate him for that, but he doesn't. He could never hate someone like Junhui Wen, they're too alike. Turning his head, he notices Seungcheol reach for his bag, exchanging a glance with Wonwoo before burying the bong and leftover blunts under his bed. He opens his window for safe measure, waving his hand around in the air in attempt to dispel some of the evidence.  
  
A smile returns to Seungcheol's lips moments after that, patting Vernon's shoulder and forcing everyone to migrate towards his door.  
  
"Time to return to prison, boys."  
  
  
  
-  
  
  
  
Seungcheol figures that he should probably let go of the past, and Joshua doesn't disagree with him. He becomes a husk of a human being every time he thinks of Doyoon Jang, and the relationship he could never have with his late cousin. It's days like this, Joshua thinks, that Seungcheol really isn't himself anymore, and Joshua feels absolutely helpless in the older's grasp. It's days like this, when a certain asshole named Jooheon Lee decides to make Seungcheol's life a living hell, and remind him of the life he always wanted.  
  
"Hey, Seungcheol!" The aforementioned slithers over them as if he was a snake, voice like poison in Joshua's ears. He's never exactly been friends with Jooheon, but he's never hated him either. This makes his blood boil though- he hates how the elder finds cracks in Seungcheol's mask and chisels his way through them like it's nothing. "You admitted your big gay crush on Doyoon yet?"  
  
Joshua doesn't ignore the way Seungcheol's jaw clenches, or how Wonwoo clings onto his bicep with a barely shaking hand. Vernon's so stoned out of his mind that he sways on his feet as he shuffles over to Jooheon, poking his chest with his pointer finger and muttering something akin to fuck off. Junhui and Josh are still frozen in their spots, time standing still as Joshua thinks about how much he really wants to punch this piece of shit square in the nose. He doesn't, however, because suspension for assault wouldn't look too pretty on his immaculate record.  
  
"I'll take that as a no. Too bad he's dead, right?"  
  
That just about sets Seungcheol off, the older pulling a snarl from the depths of his throat and moving to throw a punch. Junhui swoops in last minute to hold him back, Joshua opting to knock Jooheon down a few pegs.  
  
"Why don't you go admit your big gay crush on Minhyuk Lee, hm, Jooheon? Or maybe you could admit that the only reason you're fucking with Seungcheol is because you're low-life garbage and have nothing better to do with your time."  
  
The eldest scoffs, narrowing his eyes before moving towards Joshua. His breath is venom, invading the air around them and causing Josh's lungs to tighten.  He hates being this close to people.  
  
"I mean, at least I don't treat girls like shit and throw them away later."

Joshua grinds his teeth together, clenching and unclenching his fists in an attempt to soften the blow of the insult. He won't lie, it's his own fault that he's afraid to tie himself down. A reluctance to commit has been his vice for far too long.

Nevertheless, he shoves past Jooheon, latching onto Seungcheol’s wrist and dragging the older along with him. It's too early in the morning to deal with this bullshit, and his brain is too fuzzy to get in a fight right now. Joshua glances back to catch Wonwoo’s eye, weary to find the same distant misery in the ebony-haired’s face.

 

-

 

Studio Art is Joshua’s favorite class.

It's full of pretty senior girls, their makeup natural and their long hair tied back into knots on the top of their head. There's also Mingyu Kim-- Joshua’s not sure what to think of him. He’s funny, no doubt, and can enrapture just about anyone. However, he claims to be Wonwoo’s best friend from time to time, and Joshua knows that spot is reserved for him.

He also knows that Junhui and Mingyu have hated each other since, well, forever. Joshua’s never understood why Junhui is so infuriated by the younger, but he ultimately decides not to question it. Drama is something he’d rather not dabble in. Girls are a much more interesting topic.

So instead of paying attention to the unmarred notebook just handed to him, he chances a look at one of the most attractive students there. He takes note of her shining dip-dyed hair, and legs that seem to last forever beneath black leggings. Thin-rimmed glasses are perched on the edge of her nose, obscuring some of the peppery mocha freckles strewn across her tanned skin. She’s absolutely stunning in Joshua’s eyes.

Before he can make a move, a timid freshman taps him on the arm. Joshua turns to find them handing him a flyer, one for the back to school party that _he_ helped plan a few days prior. He rises an eyebrow at the boy, who happens to be at least five inches shorter than him. “You know I’m the one that brings alcohol to this party every year, right? I don’t need a flyer.”

The boy fiddles with the threads on the end of his sweater, curling them around his pinkie finger before releasing them and looking back up at Joshua. He makes a gesture towards the door on the left side of the room, Josh gazing past the groups of huddled students to spot Seungkwan Boo’s mussy dark hair peeking through the window.

“But Seungkwan told me to give you one,” the younger murmurs. “He said that everyone needs one to get in.”

Joshua scoffs under his breath, grumbling something about dumb underclassmen. He signals for the freshman to wait, making his way towards the door left ajar. The teacher hasn’t even bothered to come to the classroom yet, so he has no issue slipping past the entrance and slapping Seungkwan on the back of his head.

Seungkwan whips around, rubbing the back of his scalp with a whine. Joshua waves the flyer in his face, rolling his eyes at the stack of them balanced between the younger’s arms.

“Who the hell told you to make flyers, Boo?”

“Vernon! He said that it’s like a ticket for everyone that wants to get in. That way the good kids can’t sneak in and rat us out. They don’t get flyers.”

Rubbing his temples, Joshua sighs. “That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. You know Vernon smoked at least a gram this morning, right? He’s out of his fucking mind.”

The shorter’s eyes widen, glancing over at the nearby trashcan before dumping the remainder of the papers in it. “I-I didn’t know, fuck. I only did it ‘cause he asked me. I thought it was dumb too.”

Joshua spins on his heel, rolling his eyes and tossing his own flyer into the garbage. “Next time,” he calls over his shoulder, “Don’t listen to Vernon. Waste of paper.”

The freshman nods vigorously in response, waving his hands apologetically.

“And don’t forget to make sure your hot sister’s at that party.”

Once he returns to his seat, Joshua blinks at the boy still standing there. _Why in the everloving fuck hasn’t this kid left yet?_ He pats the shorter on the shoulder, following his gaze to one of the upperclassmen girls. A smirk wiggles its way onto his face as unsubtly points to her, jarring the boy out of his trance.

“You think she’s pretty, right? What’s your name?”

The boy shifts on his feet, blinking rapidly before tearing his gaze away from the girl. “I’m Chan, Chan Lee. I, um, I know you’re really popular with girls and..” Chan trails off, looking down at the ground as his cheeks flush.

“And you want me to hook you up with her.” Joshua finishes, grinning widely. “Alright, sure.”

Chan stares up at him, eyes widened at the prospect of actually meeting someone he could like. He resists the urge to bounce on the heels of his feet, deciding instead to fiddle with his sweater again. “Really? You’d do that for me?”

“Sure, kid. On one condition.”

“Anything.”

Joshua holds back a chuckle at his eagerness. “You have to hang with my friends and I at the party tonight.”

The freshman cocks his head, furrowed eyebrows raising on his forehead. “That’s all I have to do? And you’ll hook me up with  _her_?” Chan emphasizes his point by jabbing his finger in the direction of the girl. Joshua doesn’t understand how she hasn’t noticed them yet.

"Yep. You ever gotten high before?"

With big eyes, Chan shakes his head. Joshua is intrigued by how innocent the freshman seems to be. "No.. I haven't really gone to a party before. Does it feel good?"

"You're in for a ride tonight, kid," Joshua giggles, handing the boy a scribbled note with the girl's number on it and ruffling Chan's hair before he turns away. "I'll see you there."

 

-

 

At 2:17, Joshua's stumbling into the backseat of Junhui's car with spit-slicked lips and tousled hair. He barely even remembers the majority of his day, sleeping through chemistry, generally not giving a fuck about weights, and ignoring everything that happened in pre-calc. School's never been particularly important for him, even though geting into college will be a must. His mother's been working double shifts for as long as he can remember, and his father's a ghost of a memory in the back of his mind. With no siblings, it's his responsibility to take care of himself and provide for his mother. He doesn't like to think about that, though. It hurts too much.

Seungcheol glares back at him after a moment, slapping the younger on his arm. "Why are you so late? School ended like five minutes ago dude! I need to get my parents out of the house before we throw this party, remember?"

Joshua shifts in his seat, pulling the seatbelt over his torso and lazily making sure the tongue clicks into the buckle. He darts his eyes around the vehicle before looking back at Seungcheol, forcing a small smile to pretend he isn't terrified. An angry Seungcheol isn't something he really wants to deal with--  _ever._ Joshua shoots a pleading look in Wonwoo's direction, frowning when the other rolls his eyes and decides to look out the window. 

"Sorry, I met another girl today. It won't happen again, I promise," Joshua lies, words seeping through his lips like honey. He  _knows_ it'll happen again. He'll get distracted last minute, play with another girls emotions and mark her lips with false affection. It's a perpetual cycle that Joshua's still unwilling to break. Junhui finally turns to spare a glance at him, eyes tired and silently conveying to Joshua that they need to talk later.

In an attempt to change the topic, Joshua clears his throat, gesturing towards the students still trickling out the the main entrance. "So where's Vernon? I haven't seen him all day."

Seungcheol sighs, and offers a half-hearted shrug. "Probably with Seungkwan Boo. Maybe the trashy hip-hop kids. He'll come to the party later."

Starting the car, Junhui pulls out of the parking spot while Seungcheol fiddles with the aux cord in an attempt to find a good song. He scrolls through one of his Spotify playlists, humming before deciding on some random track by Gambino. Joshua recognizes it as Zealots of Stockholm, quietly tapping his fingers against the seat in time with the beat. He watches as they inch past the throes of students and cars, only pulling ten miles per hour. 

Joshua aches to break the suffocating silence. Despite them being friends since they didn't know what fractions were, the air is always filled with a tension none of them know how to fix. He attributes it to their differing personalities, but he knows it's deeper than that. They're all fucked up in some manner, with Wonwoo's tendency to be silent and bottle up his feelings, Seungcheol's mild depression that seems to catch up with him at the worst times, Vernon's bright, blinding ignorance and Junhui's broken heart that's never able to mend itself. Josh knows that he has more issues than all of them combined, so he doesn't understand why they still hang out with him.

After Donald Glover fades out of the speakers, the distinct sound of 2Pac makes Seungcheol jolt, the older boy smiling widely. He spits out the lyrics in perfect time with the deceased rapper's voice, and Joshua can't help but admire him for his passion. Rap has always been important to Seungcheol, as it was an interest that he and Doyoon had shared when the latter was alive. 

Wonwoo snorts then, moving to cover his mouth with his hand. "You know, aren't you a trashy hip-hop kid yourself?"

Gasping, Seungcheol turns the music up louder. "Of _course_ I'm a fucking hip-hop kid, you twat. I'm just not trashy." Wonwoo bursts out in laughter in response to that, slapping his hand against the leather seat of the car and grasping his stomach. Joshua's relieved to see him happy for once-- the sight is rarer than it should be.

 

-

 

Junhui parks in Seungcheol's driveway, hastily pulling the keys out of the ignition and opening the driver's door. The rest of them push their way out of the car, slamming their doors behind them as they trudge up the walkway to the house. Seungcheol stops them with his arm right before the door, motioning for them to be quiet. "My parents are still here, so just sit out front. I'm gonna tell them that Seungjin wanted to see mom or something."

As he disappears through the entryway, Joshua turns away. Seungjin, Seungcheol's older brother, had always been one of his closest friends when they were younger. Joshua was devastated when the older left for college two years prior, leaving him with a hug and a simple goodbye. 

Patting him on the arm, Wonwoo scoots his deck chair closer to Joshua. The younger nestles his head in the crook of Joshua's neck, resting his cheek on the older's shoulder. Joshua wonders why the younger is offering the sudden affection. "I think I like Mingyu."

Both Joshua and Junhui jolt, Junhui choking on what seems to be his own oxygen. He lifts a finger to accusatorily point at Wonwoo, eyebrows lifting in surprise. "You- you're  _straight_ , right? When in the fresh fuck did that happen? And he's almost a year younger than you, Wonwoo. I've never even heard you mention another boy, let alone say you like one," Junhui babbles on, arms visibly shuddering. 

Wonwoo shushes the older boy, glaring at the both of them. Joshua stares back apologetically, rubbing circles into the younger's back. "I don't care if he's almost a year younger than me, we're in the same grade. Age barely matters, you asshole," He retorts, mouth curling into a scowl.

Joshua blinks in realization, tilting his head. "That's right, why are you a sophomore again?"

"Because administration is fucking dumb and they stuck me in a lower grade level than I should be in."

"Right, that sucks," Josh acquiesces, resting his chin on the palm of his hand against the chair. "Are you okay, Junhui?" 

The Chinese boy looks at the ground, gaze lingering on the slatted deck longer than it should. His shoulders are slumped, eyes still dark with what Joshua can only assume is heartbreak. "Minghao's been distant again. I- I know we're not exclusive or anything, but.. it hurts to know that he's probably fucking other people in his free time. I wish he would accept me, you know?" Junhui shifts in his chair, finally raising his head to look at the other two. "He reminds me of you, Josh. Hao can't commit to just one person. And, Wonwoo, you know how much I don't like Mingyu. He's a dick." 

Wonwoo crosses his arms, lifting his head off of Joshua's shoulder. "He's only a dick to you, Junhui."

"Clearly you haven't heard the word faggot come out of his mouth yet," Junhui mutters, fists threating to clench.

Joshua looks over at Wonwoo to find confusion written all over his face, the younger silently questioning Junhui. "What are you talking about? He's never said anything bad about gay people before.."

Junhui gets out of his seat at the sound of Seungcheol's front door opening, brushing off his skinny jeans and giving Wonwoo a warning stare. "Just wait. I wouldn't recommend telling him about your feelings yet."

Turning at the sound of voices, Joshua ducks his head in greeting to Seungcheol's parents. His mother has a purse slung over her shoulder, her husband dragging a small suitcase behind them. The woman grins, offering a wave to the boys and stumbling through English with her thick Gyeongsang accent. "We're visiting Seungjin in Berkeley. We'll come back tomorrow night, so keep the house clean if you visit please."

Holding back a smirk, Joshua nods as they walk down to their Porsche Macan, opening and shutting the trunk before climbing in and driving off.

Seungcheol peeks his head through the front door, opening it up so the other three can walk in. Joshua rubs his hands together, making a beeline for the kitchen. "Who's ready for the biggest party of the year, boys?"

 

-

 

People start filing through the door at sometime around eight, some of them clutching onto the flyers that Seungkwan had distributed that morning. Joshua shakes his head again at the idea, reminding himself to go tell Vernon that he's an idiot at some point tonight. He's already gulped down at least six shots, a red cup of beer going warm in his hand as he sits by the door waiting for someone interesting to walk in.

With a fleeting glance he spots Wonwoo on the other side of the room taking a rip of a bong with a glass of vodka between his fingers, Mingyu and Vernon laughing at his side and egging him on. Joshua's only mildly concerned-- he knows that Wonwoo has a hard time saying no to other people, and if the younger boys let it go too far, Joshua will no doubt be the one to pick up the pieces and hold Wonwoo's hair back as he throws up and empties his concealed emotions into Joshua's chest.

His head shoots up as he spots Jinseol Boo strutting by, clad with heels that probably cost at least $200 and a skin-tight slip dress pulled over her figure. Joshua tries not to drool at the sight. Seungkwan's sister has been on his radar for a while now-- he met her over the summer at one of Vernon's house parties, half high and half drunk as he clung onto her hip in the middle of the night. They haven't talked since, and Joshua's sure that she's been ignoring him on purpose. The prospect of someone ignoring him hardly stings at this point though.

Joshua pulls himself up off the floor, brushing one of the sophomore girls off his shoulder before following after Jinseol. Unfortunately for him, she's surrounded by a group of her friends, all equally as pretty but not nearly as intelligent. He sets his cup on a side table, running his hands through his hair once before squeezing his way through the crowd to reach her. 

After pushing through at least ten people, the tips of his fingers catch Jinseol's arm, causing her to turn around and bat her eyes for a second before realizing it's Joshua. Her mood visibly changes at the sight of him. She bites on her bottom lip, shooing her friends away for a second before frowning at the boy. "What do you want, Joshua?"

He smiles, reaching out to envelop her hand in his. "Wanna get away for a while?" 

Pulling her hand away, Jinseol starts to walk backwards in an attempt to retreat into the crowd. "Sorry, Josh, I don't want to be just another statistic in your book. Ask me again when you stop playing, though." 

Joshua's smile falls as he watches her disappear, pulling his hand back to let it rest at his side. His eyes shut for a few moments as he tries to let the flare in his chest ebb away, to turn into nothing again so he can ignore the fact that he just got rejected. It's not often that it happens; most of them will throw themselves at Joshua in an attempt to have their virginity taken, or just to experience the feeling of good sex. Usually, it's so  _easy_ for him. He's not used to a girl like Jinseol, and he doesn't understand how she's Seungkwan's sister.

In the end, however, Joshua hates the easy ones, and that's why they're always thrown away after he's done with them. He wants a real challenge, and someone like Jinseol would be a good opponent. He craves affection from someone like her-- maybe a smart girl would be able to crack through his commitment issues and he could finally end his game.

That's wishful thinking though, and Joshua knows it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> even though this already has playlists im also doing song recs after every chapter
> 
> _[Two®](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shlTyOg4fyc) _
> 
> _[Don't Kill My Vibe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMoRsmpdSO0) _
> 
> don't hesitate to leave a comment, i love reading them!


	2. because there's a devil inside my body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read the endnote for clarity on some of the stuff that happens this chapter
> 
> btw this is self indulgent lol sorry 
> 
> listen to the playlist!!!
> 
> _[heartbeat, footsteps](https://open.spotify.com/user/22c5iujzatdrsrcv2f2oufkya/playlist/2xfffbR6HKd5NpZ5DaIGfC) _

Wonwoo attributes his weakness to the tang of cocaine running sluggishly up his veins.

He lets himself melt into the headboard as Mingyu shoves him back harshly, tongue poison on his inflamed skin. The polished wood digging into his back hardly bothers him. In fact, he barely notices it when all he can focus on is Mingyu’s thick fingers holding his marred wrists up against the wall.

Leaning forward, Mingyu almost presses a kiss to his lips, both of them breathing in the same air for more than a few seconds. Wonwoo wants to close the gap, wants to have Mingyu to himself, at least for tonight. It’s a selfish wish on his part, but since when has he cared?

“Gonna fuck you so hard that you don’t remember your own name,  _ pretty baby. _ ”

The alcohol under his breath is evident, result of the party that’s still raging beneath them. The younger’s mouth is still so close to his, inches away in the pitch black room. Whatever shitty music Vernon put on earlier is vibrating the floorboards, and Wonwoo can still hear the occasional screech of excitement. The praise,  _ pretty baby _ , echoes in his head. Privately, he loves the idea of being called something so simply intimate such as pretty. It implies that Mingyu actually cares, beneath the haze of vodka and cheap beer.

_ But does he? _

Mingyu strengthens his hold on Wonwoo’s wrist when the older doesn’t respond, dark chocolate eyes swimming with muted annoyance. “Answer me, Wonwoo Jeon. Don’t you wanna be fucked by me?”

It seems as if Mingyu says it for himself, rather than for Wonwoo. However, Wonwoo can’t seem to do anything except give in to the younger’s desires. It’s depressing-- he never saw himself as a pushover.

A choked sigh slips past his chapped lips, an unspoken notion of  _ “ _ Yes, yes  _ please. _ ”

And  _ fuck, _ yeah, he knows how much Mingyu’s had to drink. He knows that the toxic mixture of laced cocaine and weed is fucking up his own judgment. He knows that neither of them are in a good state of mind. He  _ knows _ that this’ll be bad for him in the end. He remembers what Junhui said, after all.

_ ‘..Wonwoo, you know how much I don’t like Mingyu. He’s a dick.’ _

_ ‘He’s only a dick to you, Junhui.’ _

_ ‘Clearly you haven’t heard the word faggot come out of his mouth yet.’ _

That doesn’t matter, though. Wonwoo’s always been one to trust easily-- fall in love before he can clear his head. Junhui’s words of warning hardly matter in the heat of the moment. Wonwoo’s sure that his words won’t matter during the aftermath, either.

Distantly, Wonwoo feels the rub of cotton against his jeans, loose sweatpants grinding down onto his half-hardness. He shakes his head before gripping onto Mingyu’s biceps, shimmying his hands out of the younger’s bruising grip. He’d have to hide the evidence later. Bruises are suspicious, bruises represent that little bit of resentment budding below fake love. Breathy whimpers escape his mouth as Mingyu dips down particularly low, a thick bead of precome seeping through his boxers. 

Mingyu pokes his tongue at the shell of his ear, groaning lightly at the sensation. “That’s right, slutty baby, let everyone know how much you want my dick.”

The pet name turns Wonwoo’s blood cold for a few moments, heart dropping at the sound of Mingyu calling him a slut.  _ He doesn’t like it. He needs praise. He’s not a slut, right? He’s a good boy. Isn’t he? _ His thoughts are immediately dispelled by the younger subtly unbuttoning his pants, pulling them down to his thighs before coaxing his lips apart. Wonwoo groans at the wetness, lips parting in his show of utter submission. He decides that it’s impossible to resist someone like Mingyu, despite the impending uneasiness beneath his skin.

Jeans thrown across the bedroom, Wonwoo closes his legs in nervousness. Mingyu doesn't care though, shoving them apart with his rough palms and growling a soft warning. The younger laps into his mouth one last time before trailing his lips down Wonwoo’s neck, nipping at the vulnerable skin of his clavicle and leaving faint red marks.  _ He’d have to cover those up too. _

His shirt disappears shortly after, falling off his shoulders onto the pillow beneath him. Wonwoo wiggles his hips a little in an attempt to signal that Mingyu needs to hurry the fuck up, the younger hovering over him and running his fingers through Wonwoo’s hair. The look on his face in unreadable, tense and blank and half-hidden in the darkness. It scares Wonwoo that he can't gauge Mingyu's reaction-- he can't tell whether the younger actually cares about what he's doing.  _ He wants him to care. He needs him to care. _

Mingyu blinks after a moment, sitting back on his heels and flinging Wonwoo's button-up shirt in the direction of his jeans before tugging Wonwoo forward by the back of his scalp.

“Suck my dick. You have to earn it, don't you think?” The taller’s voice is cold, rough in Wonwoo’s ears. He wishes that this wasn't a one night stand.

Wonwoo hesitantly nods in response, shaking fingers grasping the sides of Mingyu’s sweatpants before pulling them down along with his underwear. He tries not to let his mouth water at the sight before him; he can't let his vulnerabilities show. Instead, Wonwoo opts to wrap his hand around the shaft, taking the tip of Mingyu’s dick into his mouth and offering a kitten lick. Mingyu groans, voice trailing off into a soft gasp before he tugs harder on Wonwoo’s hair. He pushes the older’s head further, Wonwoo nearly gagging when he can feel Mingyu hit the back of his throat. It's unpleasant, seeing as he's never actually sucked dick before, but he won't dare complain.

Leaning down, Mingyu breathes softly in his ear and whispers sweet nothings. “Good boy, taking all of it. Such a good baby.”

Preening under the younger’s momentary praise, Wonwoo hums lightly as he relaxes his mouth. Mingyu pushes forward, thrusting into the desirable heat. The older nearly chokes on his own spit due to the unforgiving pace that Mingyu’s set, his jaw already sore. Wonwoo swirls his tongue nonetheless, trying his best to please Mingyu and make him fall apart.

The elder ignores the fact that it’s depressing, to give yourself up to someone out of fear and admiration. It’s chalked up to his need for attention; desire for affection and praise. Wonwoo needs Mingyu to call him a  _ good boy _ again, to assure him that he’s doing the right thing when he knows he’s not. He runs his tongue along a protruding vein as Mingyu tries to push deeper, shaking away his thoughts and causing the taller to let out a strangled moan. Wonwoo whimpers lightly in response, the beginnings of tears springing into his vision. 

However, he definitely doesn’t complain when Mingyu wraps his hand around his neck as he falls back against the sheets when he finishes, lips slick with precome and spit and alcohol and whatever the fuck else. Wonwoo can’t say no when Mingyu’s pressing his fingers above the pulsing jugular beating against his skin, effectively cutting off his air flow.

“Princess, you look so pretty underneath me. I wish I could put a collar on you.”

Wonwoo pretends that he isn't choking on his own spit at Mingyu’s words-- that he doesn't enjoy the sensation of losing control under Mingyu’s spell. He pretends that his vision doesn't go white with pleasure as he loses himself in the mattress. He pretends that he isn't utterly devastated when Mingyu takes his hand away post-orgasm, eyes shining and voice heavy.

But he can't hold back the tears when Mingyu leaves him alone in that room, clock reading 11:11 like a broken promise and sheets strewn on the floor.

 

-

 

The house they just left reeks of cheap liquor, beer and vodka and champagne stolen from parent’s cabinets. It holds a certain type of sadness, the air thick with the smell of sweat and teenage regret. 

Honestly, all Joshua can remember is Seungkwan dancing on some shitty coffee table, Wonwoo smoking weed with Mingyu and Vernon in the corner before turning his attention to Jinseol Boo as she walked through the door. It’s a little stupid how easily his heart can hurt despite destroying the hope of pretty young girls every day.

Maybe he should stop doing that.

_ No, he shouldn’t. _

“You kno-ow,” Chan drawls, giggling in the artificial moonlight and causing Joshua’s eyes to dart towards him. “You shouldn't play with girls hearts. They break easily, ya’ know?”

_ Yes, Chan, I do know.  _ Joshua narrows his eyes slightly, dried tears caught on the edge of his eyelashes from earlier in the night. He hardly wants to talk about girls this late, especially not with an intoxicated Chan and a devastated Wonwoo hanging off his arm. He doesn't want to remember the fact that Jinseol Boo rejected him, and that it hurt like a bitch. It's easier to drown yourself in alcohol; to act reckless and careless and hope that the blemishes aren't visible. 

Josh didn't even have time to question Wonwoo before the younger came crashing into him around midnight, face a mess of sadness and neck thoroughly bruised. He mumbles something about a boy, now, and Joshua pretends not to hear it.

He's not sure that he  _ wants _ to know what happened to his best friend. Despite that, he can't shake the feeling that it was some horny douchebag’s fault. A man’s doing, definitely. The thick fingerprints on Wonwoo’s collarbone are all too familiar.

That doesn't matter though, Wonwoo’s gonna tell him anyway. He always does. After he empties his tears into the sink and destroys his stomach over the toilet bowl.

It’s fine, it always is.

Chan giggles again in the heat of midnight, air stagnant and breath heavy. Joshua realises that it was a mistake to take this kid in tonight, expose him to just how shitty people can be. “Jos-sua, I really want Taco Bell. Please, please take me?”

 

-

 

Cigarettes are to Minghao as blood is to the heart. He requires the sting in his lungs to live-- craves the rush of using nicotine. It's addictive, the kind of addiction that makes your pulse race and your hands shake.

Minghao finds, though, that Junhui is far more addictive than nicotine. After all, Junhui is the one shotgunning cigarette smoke past his lips, pretty black hair falling over his eyes. He reaches forward to smooth the creases in Junhui’s forehead, pressing his thumbs down on the scrunched up skin in an attempt to get closer.

Jun pulls back after a moment, raising an eyebrow and looking Minghao in the eye tentatively before diving in again. The cigarette is flicked to the side, into an ashtray that’s probably owned by Seungcheol. Minghao can feel the ghost of Junhui’s lips on his, a shock running up his spine at the sensation. The elder drives him crazy in ways he can't even begin to explain. He wishes, sometimes, in the darkness, that he could give himself to Junhui. 

“Is this okay?”

The familiar syllables of Mandarin comfort Minghao, make him smile a bit in response, and he hardly tries to hide it. “ _ God _ , yes, Junhui. It's always okay.”

Curling his lips downward into a frown, Jun flicks the ashes into a nearby tray, gently pushing Minghao against the wall with a calculated finger. The pad of his index presses into the skin above Minghao’s heart, igniting a fire in the younger’s veins. It's in that moment that he genuinely wishes he could commit to a man like Junhui. He wants the soft touches, butterfly kisses and midnight pillow talk, but it's something someone like him will never deserve.

Junhui threads his fingers through Minghao’s too-long hair, forcing the younger to look up at him. “You realize I'm not going to fuck you, right?”

Minghao's eyes narrow, placing his hand over Jun’s. “What do you mean? Why am I here then?” The younger sees the way Junhui closes up inside, retreats a bit and winces at Minghao’s words. He knows they sting; it registers in his brain that it was the wrong thing to say.

_ Can't fix it now. _

“Right, why are you here then? Sex is all I mean to you, I forgot,” Junhui pulls away, shaking his head and scoffing lightly. He pulls his sweater back on, slipping away from Minghao’s grasp once again. “Let me know when I'm more valuable.”

“No, that's not what I meant, wait--”

“Please shut the fuck up and stop giving me false hope. I'm  _ sick  _ of this shit, Eight!”

Minghao recoils at the nickname, sighing. It's always been a fond term, saved for moments where intimacy catches up with them and makes Minghao's heart hurt. He can't really bear to hear it in a negative light. Minghao decides not to bother arguing with the older, sliding down the scratchy wallpaper on the wall behind him. “Don't call me that, Junhui.” 

“That's all you have to say?”

“I- Why should I have to say anything? We’re not exclusive, you  _ know _ that, Jun!”

The elder nods curtly, tears pricking at the edges of his vision. He turns away to hide his weakness from Minghao, like he always does. Junhui’s switch turns off in an instant, lights dim inside his head and heart locked away in its safe. It’s necessary, he figures, to be strong in front of those who you love. If he were to break, bear himself in front of Minghao, he’d only get hurt.

Junhui’s deep breath shatters the silence after a few minutes, muttering, “You’re right, Minghao, you’re right. We aren’t exclusive. ‘M sorry for yelling at you baby. I’m sorry.”

It’s funny, how you can taste the bitterness of heartbreak on your tongue.

“You’re forgiven.”

 

-

 

Pulling into a rundown drive-thru at two in the morning wasn’t originally in Joshua’s plans. Quite frankly, he barely remembers why he’s here in the first place.

Beer is hardly muddling his brain anymore, but it feels as if everything's underwater around him. He turns to Wonwoo, who's sitting in the passenger seat with his knees pulled up to his chest and his eyes half open. 

His best friend has always looked small at times like these, when Joshua can't do anything but hope that he's okay. Joshua would much rather see him smile.

“Whatta you guys want?”

“Hamburger,” Wonwoo murmurs, eyelids fluttering before falling shut. “Onion rings too.” Joshua doesn't have the heart to tell him that they're at a Taco Bell.

Chan bounces on the backseat, listing off at least four items that Josh barely catches before he's making an order for the younger. His appetite's been nonexistent for a good portion of the night, so he refrains from buying anything too expensive. 

Pulling up to the window, he curses when he realizes who the cashier is. 

Just his luck, really.

“Joshua Hong! I remember you fucking me at around this time last night. Or did you already forget? It seems like my name wasn't important to you this morning.”

Her voice is sharp, almost a hiss, and Joshua opts to rub his temples with his fingers. “I don't really need this right now, Esme. I have two drunk people in my fucking car and you need to forget about it.”

The girl lets out a small  _ hmph _ and reads out the cost of the order, holding her hand out for cash. Joshua hands her a twenty, rolling his eyes when she loudly announces that his change is $3.27. 

“If you want a fuck that bad, call Vernon Chwe. I only do one night stands.”

“Whatever. Enjoy your food, asshole.”

He responds with a fake smile, driving up to the pickup window and handing Chan all the bullshit he ordered. The younger grins, thanking Joshua before returning to his food.

Joshua pulls into the adorning parking lot, taking his keys out of the ignition and turning to Wonwoo. The ebony-haired whimpers slightly, looking down at his Chalupa and back up at Josh.

“This isn't a hamburger.”

The older sighs, eyes sympathetic. “Sorry, Won. They didn't have hamburgers. Next time, okay?”

“Oh. Okay. That's okay.”

“Do you wanna tell me about what happened earlier?” 

Wonwoo lets out a shaky breath, setting his food down and rubbing his hands together. “I- It’s um, M-Mingyu..”

Cocking an eyebrow, Joshua glances back at Chan to make sure he isn't listening. He leans in a bit, “What did he do to you, Wonwoo?”

“Nothing! Didn’t d-do nothing.” His hair falls over his eyes when he looks away, small smile on his nervous lips. “We didn't have sex, if you're wondering...”

“Something had to have happened. You can trust me, Won. You know I won't tell anyone.”

Shaking his head, Wonwoo shoos him and goes back to his food. “M’not lying. We just.. y- yeah.”

“Fine. Just, please, don't get hurt.”

 

-

 

soonyoungk > _ jihoon, please come ovr _

soonyoungk > _ i got pizza and blankets lets cuddle please _

_ Busy. Sorry. We have school tomorrow. < _ leewoozi

read 3:01 am

 

-

 

Music is Jihoon’s first love, after Soonyoung. Jihoon has more love for Soonyoung than he does anything else-- but it's always been too dangerous to fall in love with someone that's forbidden.

Someone that's closeted. Bisexual. 

Jihoon would rather not be someone's secret, shunned from the eyes of everyone on the outside and forced not to talk. Despite that, it's always been unimaginably difficult to get over Soonyoung. 

Soonyoung, as cliche as it is, can be easily compared to the sun. He has his flaws, many of them, hidden in the depths of his mind and visible in the way he talks. He also has a fire inside of him, blazing and angry and lonely. It burns even hotter than the stars, boiling underneath his mask and coming to a light simmer on the expanse of his skin. 

The fire inside of Kwon Soonyoung is infuriating. Jihoon can't get enough of it. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> k so i have a lot to say about this
> 
> first, if you don't know what a chalupa is, i mourn for your loss
> 
> also yoon jeonghan™ and lee seokmin are asexual (not aromantic) characters in this fic, as well as minghao being pansexual. i want to try and represent more of the lgbtq+ spectrum (obviously none of them are female, but i will have female lgbtq characters in here too dw) in my stories, because so far i've really only written about issues pertaining to gay characters and i think it'll improve my writing a lot if i have variaton. 
> 
> whew so yeah, please let me know if i write something wrong or even remotely offensive i'll fix it 
> 
> another sidenote, dubcon is going to play a large part in mg & ww's relationship, so if you aren't comfortable with that sort of thing, i'd just stop reading now. sorry!
> 
> lastly, i want to mention jun and minghao's relationship. you can kind of see jun's angry, asshole-eqsue side come out here, and this stems from the fact that minghao won't accept him as a romantic partner. he's *extremely* insecure and trying to understand that minghao has commitment issues, so he tends to lose control around minghao a lot. he's not always like that?? so don't hate him right away lol


	3. note , will remove later

im putting this on hold indefinitely 

not gonna lie im really shaken up right now by jonghyuns passing and i already know that im not going to be in the mood to write anything for a while 

with that in mind please respect jonghyuns family and friends, as well as shawols. it's a tragic thing, and even if you aren't a shinee fan yourself it's important to value that jonghyun was an amazing idol & overall person

please remember to talk to someone you love and trust if you need it.

thank you for reading and supporting this story.

until next time


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